It's Not Really A Bone

Bone Collector?

More like Boner Collector.

Aaah-Haaa.

I'm, of course, talking about Denzel Washington.

Kriss Kross’ll Make Ya Jump, Jump!

I want to write a Master’s thesis on socio-politico-religious implications of the late 80s, early 90s youth rap movement.

Rub A Dub Dub

The Scariest Movies Scenes Involving Water

1. Jaws - girl skinny dipping at night

2. Psycho shower scene

3. Little Children when the pedophile is snorkeling in the public pool

Don't Call Me Whitey

I want to play bass in a Sly and the Family Stone tribute band.

Could I be any more wannabe funky?

Do You Mind Staying Late?

I want to work in a field where the chances are high that I will be sexually harassed by my boss.

Handi-Capable

Sally O'Malley approached me the other day and asked, "How does one remember which one is which when it comes to quadraplegics and paraplegics?"

I said, "Sally O'Malley, I think I can help:"

quad = four
As in, "He can neither walk nor crawl around the quadrangle."

para = two
As in, "He's got a para legs that don't work."

"Does that make it easier, Sally O'Malley?"

"Yes, I think it does."

Caffeine Is Ridiculous Right Now

If you didn't know, this clip is from "Coffee and Cigarettes."
Caffeine Is Ridiculous Right Now

Appletinis and Manolos

You all will be proud of me on this one.

I recently decided to stop drinking beer ‘cause I’m trying to drop a few pounds. Any by a few, I mean 70.

So, instead of beer, with all the calories, I started mixing with diet Sprite and light cranberry juice. I know, I’m a trip to American Apparel away from twirling a baton in the gay pride parade.

Anyway, I’m doing this all for health reasons. What do I imbibe with my diet Sprite and light cranberry juice? That’s right, Everclear grain alcohol. Ya see, I only have to drink half as much to get the same amount of drunk.

Pretty soon you’ll be callin’ me Slim Goodbody. I’ve already ordered the flesh-colored unitard that shows my organs. I asked them to make the liver 50% larger.

Well-Rounded

It’s easier to diversify when you half-ass everything.

Concert Ejaculations - THUMP STRUM THUMP

Do you ever get tired of the lame ways people express their approval and excitement at concerts?

"Yeah!"

"Woo!"

Try this:

“Your strum pattern is the heartbeat of the universe!”

NOTE* After Wednesday night's exhausting debacle, I needed to take Thursday off from SXSW. Today is going to be mad, though.

The Black Keys

Emo’s (outside)
Wed, 3/12
The Black Keys
Delta Spirit
Black Joe Lewis and the Honey Bears

The Black Keys are one of my five favorite bands. I paid $20, stood on my feet for 8 hours, was told after waiting in line for 2 1/2 hours that I might not get in, waited through 1 great band, 1 good band and three terrible bands, and had a dozen different jackasses try to push me out of my spot 6 rows from the stage during the show. The Black Keys played for no more than 40 minutes, which was less time than it took them to set up and sound check. It was not worth it. However, the songs they played from their upcoming “Attack and Release” were fantastic.

Delta Spirit was unknown to me prior to this show. I really dug their sound and will be checking them out wherever I can find their mp3’s online. Any group that has a guy simultaneously playing a tambourine and a metal garbage can lid with a drumstick is going to get a few points from me.

Black Joe is my favorite Austin musician. He channels Wilson Pickett, James Brown and Sly (and the Family Stone) with his voice. He and the Honey Bears are a great fusion of blues and R&B. One suggestion after seeing him twice: turn up Black Joe’s mic and guitar. His sound needs to be as front and center on stage as his body is.

Portugal the Man

6th St Showdown
Emo’s (outside)
Tues, 3/11
Portugal the Man (Alaska)
Scissors for Lefty (San Francisco)
Scotland Yard Gospel Choir (Chicago)

I do not like using too many superlatives when talking about bands, movies, books, vis-arts, etc. I have seen some great shows since coming to Austin. Last night’s show may be the best show I’ve seen since moving here 8 months ago, and I’ve seen a ton of live performances.

There was some fantastic showmanship. SFL’s bass player jumped up in the air and did a 360 while continuing to play. PTM’s bass player rocked back and forth like he was axing down a redwood. The music wasn’t bad either. PTM is like a power rock group from the ‘70s (though they don’t sound like Led Zeppelin). The singer sounds like the guy from Cold War Kids. I will definitely be owning some PTM and SFL in the near future. Ba-lee dat.

Scotland Yard Gospel Choir is worth checking out. They did not have a lead guitarist, so filled that need via violin and trumpet.

We caught a few songs by the Blakes (Seattle). They were playing inside Emo’s. Good, loud, straightforward rock from what I could tell. I’d see them if given the chance.

SXSW (South by Southwest) hadn’t even officially started! I’m livin’ large, my friends.

*Note White Denim was headlining. We’ve seen them numerous times. They are from ATX and play here all the time. They are great. We saw them Saturday night, so we made the tough decision and left early. Gotta get some rest.

Down Wit Da Brown

Q: What do you call a gay dude from Pakistan?

A: A Fudge Paki

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

I had the following exchange at the end of a date the other night.

Her: “I want us to be good friends”

Me: “I’d like to skip to the part where we ruin our friendship by having sex.”

Actress of the Month - Rhona Mitra

She's not been in anything fantastic but she is remarkably beautiful.

Looking forward to her new movie "Doomsday."

Is There A White Joe Lewis?

Did Black Joe Lewis sing “Bitch, I Love You” when he performed before Barak Obama spoke in ATX?

“I’d like to dedicate this next one to a sexy, little number whose shakin’ it on the campaign trail.”

Telemundo

We have TV’s in the workout room at my apartment complex. Help me solve a problem.

How many Mexicans must there be in the room before I relinquish the right to control what we watch on the TV?

I think the equation is:

1 white guy > 6 Mexicans

Concert Ejaculations - Milky Way

Do you ever get tired of the lame ways people express their approval and excitement at concerts?

"Yeah!"

"Woo!"

I have come up with some alternatives that I'd like to offer you that will make you more interesting and attractive to the opposite sex. Here's the first:

“Your voice makes women lactate!”

Bad Pick-Up Lines - Can't We All Just Get Along?

To a black girl:

"I'm here to make reparations."

Oooh, too much?

March Playlist - Killing in the Name

Songs from February for you to enjoy this month. I'm looking over this and shaking my head. It was a weird month.

Regina Spektor - Lady

Talking Heads - Life During Wartime

They Might Be Giants - Letterbox

Bishop Allen - Busted Heart

The Decemberists - Sons and Daughters

Run DMC - Peter Piper

Max Bygraves - Show Me the Way to Go Home

Sly and the Family Stone - Que Sera, Sera

Frank Sinatra - That’s Life

The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

Modest Mouse - Dark Center of the Universe

Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name

Separated at Birth - Street Fighting Virtual Man

Kimbo Slice - Street Fighter and new MMA fighter (search him on you tube)


Appeared in one episode of Aqua Teen - (Wwwyzzerdd's site)

Surreal

The Freaks Come Out At Night (Yours Truly Included)

I was exiting the HEB with Indiekid late one night and saw an employee entering, probably a stocker. He was carrying a jug of water and a “Devil’s Rejects” lunch box.

Indiekid remarked, “That guy really is ‘That Guy.’”

Bait

Sometimes when you go fishing you catch something you don't want.

Think about it.

Alice Rose

Emo's
Saturday, 2/23/08
Kissinger
The Mercers
The Alice Rose

I've been wanting to see The Alice Rose for quite a while and was really disappointed that I missed them with the Watson Twins last fall. I was not disappointed on Saturday. They were really great, and I will definitely see them again.

I was a little out of it on Saturday night as I had taken a three hour car trip and three planes to get back to ATX. I was on too little sleep, blah, blah, blah. All that to say, I got mixed up and thought that The Alice Rose was headlining, not opening. I did not even realize that it was them for most of their set. I was sitting there thinking, "Man, I love this sound." When I finally realized that it was The Alice Rose, I was happy.

The Mercers were also excellent. Kissinger was tight and professional, but I was so checked out by the time they came on that I was not able to give them a fair listen.

What a night. I saw an enjoyable free show and still missed the Black Lips (Emo's outside) and the Hackensaw Boys (Stubb's inside - G Love afterparty). Yea, Austin!

Bad Pick-Up Lines - The View From Here

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a mountain climber. I'd like to summit and plant my flag in you."

I'd Like To Teach the World To ...

I want to start a cultural exchange program. I want to bring together people of all lands and unite one and all in a joint venture of sharing.

I want to get together with other cultures and teach each other our dirty jokes and profane sayings.

I know. I am a visionary.

I think I'd like to start with an Asian country, probably China. I hear dem some dirty-minded bastards.

Hope You Like Sprouts

Peta-phile -

A guy who digs animal rights chicks

Unknown Hinson, Ladies' Man

Playground

Yo Mama so fat, when she run west da earf stop rotatin'.