Wes Hawk's Alt-Journal

It's Not Really A Bone

2008-03-29T14:25:00.000-05:00

Bone Collector?

More like Boner Collector.

Aaah-Haaa.

I'm, of course, talking about Denzel Washington.

Kriss Kross’ll Make Ya Jump, Jump!

2008-03-28T11:16:00.001-05:00

I want to write a Master’s thesis on socio-politico-religious implications of the late 80s, early 90s youth rap movement.

Rub A Dub Dub

2008-03-27T14:14:00.001-05:00

The Scariest Movies Scenes Involving Water

1. Jaws - girl skinny dipping at night

2. Psycho shower scene

3. Little Children when the pedophile is snorkeling in the public pool

Don't Call Me Whitey

2008-03-26T18:47:00.001-05:00

I want to play bass in a Sly and the Family Stone tribute band.

Could I be any more wannabe funky?

Do You Mind Staying Late?

2008-03-20T14:46:00.001-05:00

I want to work in a field where the chances are high that I will be sexually harassed by my boss.

Handi-Capable

2008-03-19T14:41:00.002-05:00

Sally O'Malley approached me the other day and asked, "How does one remember which one is which when it comes to quadraplegics and paraplegics?"

I said, "Sally O'Malley, I think I can help:"

quad = four
As in, "He can neither walk nor crawl around the quadrangle."

para = two
As in, "He's got a para legs that don't work."

"Does that make it easier, Sally O'Malley?"

"Yes, I think it does."

Caffeine Is Ridiculous Right Now

2008-03-18T12:14:00.001-05:00

If you didn't know, this clip is from "Coffee and Cigarettes."
Caffeine Is Ridiculous Right Now

Appletinis and Manolos

2008-03-17T14:20:00.001-05:00

You all will be proud of me on this one.

I recently decided to stop drinking beer ‘cause I’m trying to drop a few pounds. Any by a few, I mean 70.

So, instead of beer, with all the calories, I started mixing with diet Sprite and light cranberry juice. I know, I’m a trip to American Apparel away from twirling a baton in the gay pride parade.

Anyway, I’m doing this all for health reasons. What do I imbibe with my diet Sprite and light cranberry juice? That’s right, Everclear grain alcohol. Ya see, I only have to drink half as much to get the same amount of drunk.

Pretty soon you’ll be callin’ me Slim Goodbody. I’ve already ordered the flesh-colored unitard that shows my organs. I asked them to make the liver 50% larger.

Well-Rounded

2008-03-15T14:40:00.001-05:00

It’s easier to diversify when you half-ass everything.

Concert Ejaculations - THUMP STRUM THUMP

2008-03-14T10:21:00.001-05:00

Do you ever get tired of the lame ways people express their approval and excitement at concerts?

"Yeah!"

"Woo!"

Try this:

“Your strum pattern is the heartbeat of the universe!”

NOTE* After Wednesday night's exhausting debacle, I needed to take Thursday off from SXSW. Today is going to be mad, though.

The Black Keys

2008-03-13T15:30:00.003-05:00

Emo’s (outside)
Wed, 3/12
The Black Keys
Delta Spirit
Black Joe Lewis and the Honey Bears

The Black Keys are one of my five favorite bands. I paid $20, stood on my feet for 8 hours, was told after waiting in line for 2 1/2 hours that I might not get in, waited through 1 great band, 1 good band and three terrible bands, and had a dozen different jackasses try to push me out of my spot 6 rows from the stage during the show. The Black Keys played for no more than 40 minutes, which was less time than it took them to set up and sound check. It was not worth it. However, the songs they played from their upcoming “Attack and Release” were fantastic.

Delta Spirit was unknown to me prior to this show. I really dug their sound and will be checking them out wherever I can find their mp3’s online. Any group that has a guy simultaneously playing a tambourine and a metal garbage can lid with a drumstick is going to get a few points from me.

Black Joe is my favorite Austin musician. He channels Wilson Pickett, James Brown and Sly (and the Family Stone) with his voice. He and the Honey Bears are a great fusion of blues and R&B. One suggestion after seeing him twice: turn up Black Joe’s mic and guitar. His sound needs to be as front and center on stage as his body is.

Portugal the Man

2008-03-12T12:48:00.001-05:00

6th St Showdown
Emo’s (outside)
Tues, 3/11
Portugal the Man (Alaska)
Scissors for Lefty (San Francisco)
Scotland Yard Gospel Choir (Chicago)

I do not like using too many superlatives when talking about bands, movies, books, vis-arts, etc. I have seen some great shows since coming to Austin. Last night’s show may be the best show I’ve seen since moving here 8 months ago, and I’ve seen a ton of live performances.

There was some fantastic showmanship. SFL’s bass player jumped up in the air and did a 360 while continuing to play. PTM’s bass player rocked back and forth like he was axing down a redwood. The music wasn’t bad either. PTM is like a power rock group from the ‘70s (though they don’t sound like Led Zeppelin). The singer sounds like the guy from Cold War Kids. I will definitely be owning some PTM and SFL in the near future. Ba-lee dat.

Scotland Yard Gospel Choir is worth checking out. They did not have a lead guitarist, so filled that need via violin and trumpet.

We caught a few songs by the Blakes (Seattle). They were playing inside Emo’s. Good, loud, straightforward rock from what I could tell. I’d see them if given the chance.

SXSW (South by Southwest) hadn’t even officially started! I’m livin’ large, my friends.

*Note White Denim was headlining. We’ve seen them numerous times. They are from ATX and play here all the time. They are great. We saw them Saturday night, so we made the tough decision and left early. Gotta get some rest.

Down Wit Da Brown

2008-03-11T17:18:00.001-05:00

Q: What do you call a gay dude from Pakistan?

A: A Fudge Paki

It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp

2008-03-10T14:15:00.001-05:00

I had the following exchange at the end of a date the other night.

Her: “I want us to be good friends”

Me: “I’d like to skip to the part where we ruin our friendship by having sex.”

Actress of the Month - Rhona Mitra

2008-03-08T15:16:00.001-06:00

She's not been in anything fantastic but she is remarkably beautiful.

Looking forward to her new movie "Doomsday."

Is There A White Joe Lewis?

2008-03-07T14:11:00.001-06:00

Did Black Joe Lewis sing “Bitch, I Love You” when he performed before Barak Obama spoke in ATX?

“I’d like to dedicate this next one to a sexy, little number whose shakin’ it on the campaign trail.”

Telemundo

2008-03-06T13:54:00.002-06:00

We have TV’s in the workout room at my apartment complex. Help me solve a problem.

How many Mexicans must there be in the room before I relinquish the right to control what we watch on the TV?

I think the equation is:

1 white guy > 6 Mexicans

Concert Ejaculations - Milky Way

2008-03-05T14:03:00.002-06:00

Do you ever get tired of the lame ways people express their approval and excitement at concerts?

"Yeah!"

"Woo!"

I have come up with some alternatives that I'd like to offer you that will make you more interesting and attractive to the opposite sex. Here's the first:

“Your voice makes women lactate!”

Bad Pick-Up Lines - Can't We All Just Get Along?

2008-03-04T15:44:00.002-06:00

To a black girl:

"I'm here to make reparations."

Oooh, too much?

March Playlist - Killing in the Name

2008-03-03T15:49:00.001-06:00

Songs from February for you to enjoy this month. I'm looking over this and shaking my head. It was a weird month.

Regina Spektor - Lady

Talking Heads - Life During Wartime

They Might Be Giants - Letterbox

Bishop Allen - Busted Heart

The Decemberists - Sons and Daughters

Run DMC - Peter Piper

Max Bygraves - Show Me the Way to Go Home

Sly and the Family Stone - Que Sera, Sera

Frank Sinatra - That’s Life

The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

Modest Mouse - Dark Center of the Universe

Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name

Separated at Birth - Street Fighting Virtual Man

2008-03-01T14:57:00.002-06:00

Kimbo Slice - Street Fighter and new MMA fighter (search him on you tube)

Appeared in one episode of Aqua Teen - (Wwwyzzerdd's site)

Surreal

2008-02-28T22:58:00.002-06:00

The Freaks Come Out At Night (Yours Truly Included)

2008-02-28T14:38:00.003-06:00

I was exiting the HEB with Indiekid late one night and saw an employee entering, probably a stocker. He was carrying a jug of water and a “Devil’s Rejects” lunch box.

Indiekid remarked, “That guy really is ‘That Guy.’”

Bait

2008-02-27T16:00:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when you go fishing you catch something you don't want.

Think about it.

Alice Rose

2008-02-26T13:25:00.001-06:00

Emo's
Saturday, 2/23/08
Kissinger
The Mercers
The Alice Rose

I've been wanting to see The Alice Rose for quite a while and was really disappointed that I missed them with the Watson Twins last fall. I was not disappointed on Saturday. They were really great, and I will definitely see them again.

I was a little out of it on Saturday night as I had taken a three hour car trip and three planes to get back to ATX. I was on too little sleep, blah, blah, blah. All that to say, I got mixed up and thought that The Alice Rose was headlining, not opening. I did not even realize that it was them for most of their set. I was sitting there thinking, "Man, I love this sound." When I finally realized that it was The Alice Rose, I was happy.

The Mercers were also excellent. Kissinger was tight and professional, but I was so checked out by the time they came on that I was not able to give them a fair listen.

What a night. I saw an enjoyable free show and still missed the Black Lips (Emo's outside) and the Hackensaw Boys (Stubb's inside - G Love afterparty). Yea, Austin!

Bad Pick-Up Lines - The View From Here

2008-02-25T13:57:00.003-06:00

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a mountain climber. I'd like to summit and plant my flag in you."

I'd Like To Teach the World To ...

2008-02-23T17:55:00.005-06:00

I want to start a cultural exchange program. I want to bring together people of all lands and unite one and all in a joint venture of sharing.

I want to get together with other cultures and teach each other our dirty jokes and profane sayings.

I know. I am a visionary.

I think I'd like to start with an Asian country, probably China. I hear dem some dirty-minded bastards.

Hope You Like Sprouts

2008-02-22T13:26:00.003-06:00

Peta-phile -

A guy who digs animal rights chicks

Unknown Hinson, Ladies' Man

2008-02-21T13:27:00.002-06:00

Playground

2008-02-20T13:37:00.001-06:00

Yo Mama so fat, when she run west da earf stop rotatin'.

Bad Pick-Up Lines - In Tents

2008-02-19T14:01:00.002-06:00

"Do you mind if I pitch a tent between your breasts and camp there tonight?"

It's Not Wrong If You're In Love

2008-02-18T13:47:00.001-06:00

I Ruv Engrish Vely Much

2008-02-16T15:18:00.004-06:00

I've thought about teaching English in Korea to make a little money and for some cultural broadening.

If I ever go through with it I'm going to make my student begin and end every class with the following sentence:

"I like to go to the bakery to buy fresh bread."

Passion Without Opposable Thumbs

2008-02-15T22:17:00.001-06:00

Dater Ape -

As monkeys and gorillas evolve and become more like us there will need to be a dating site for primates, although there probably needs to be a hyphen in the web address -

www.daterape.com

Bruce Bruce

2008-02-14T13:31:00.000-06:00

By Any Means Necessary

2008-02-13T15:50:00.001-06:00

If you're a guy and you want to hook up with a lesbian, find out if she's smart.

If she's not, tell her that you’re a lesbian, too. It will confuse her, and you will be in.

Actress of the Month - Agnes Bruckner

2008-02-12T13:53:00.000-06:00

Angsty girls in midriff hoodies in the rain in the desert are nice (not in the above pic but from a scene in "Dreamland").

High Definition

2008-02-11T14:42:00.000-06:00

The way the world looks at 4:25

“Man, that was really primo bud. I’m seeing everything in HD.”

Ruby Collins Is So Good

2008-02-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

El Paso Hot Button

2008-02-08T14:23:00.000-06:00

Mohawk
Thurs, 2/7/08
El Paso Hot Button
Red X Red M
Gravity Propulsion System

This show was my second time witnessing the one man distortion orgy named Mickey Reese, aka El Paso Hot Button. The obvious comparisons are the White Stripes and Black Keys - stripped down, bluesy, garage rock. EPHB is also funny; his new song is a cautionary tale about a girl named Nikki who said that "There Will Be Blood" was the worst movie she had ever seen. His best line, however, comes in another ditty: "She's got a man who will never be bound. I've got a woman to pound." Ah, misogyny, alive and well.

I hope he gets on with someone big. He would be a great opener for a large act. His sound would fill any venue.

He wouldn't be in my top 5 friends if I didn't dig his chili. Check him out.

PS The drummer for Red X Red M is pretty bad ass.

Separated at Birth - Lost Shins

2008-02-07T14:52:00.001-06:00

Jeremy Davies, actor from Rescue Dawn, Saving Private Ryan, and Lost

James Mercer, lead singer of the Shins

"Be You. Be What You're Like. Be Like Yourself."

2008-02-06T14:03:00.000-06:00

The other day, my friend, Sally O’Malley, said, “Sometimes you’re kind of avant-garde.”

I replied, “Sally O’Malley, you know what I love … Craisins.”

Get A Nom De Plume

2008-02-05T13:20:00.000-06:00

Percy Bysshe Shelley has to be the gayest handle ever. That's 3 y's and three s/sh's in three names.

My Hero

2008-02-04T15:17:00.000-06:00

Unknown Hinson
The Continental
Austin, TX
Fri, 7/20/07
Opening act: Lonesome Spurs

*Note - This was the first show I saw after moving to ATX. I waited an entire two days only because I wasn’t aware you could see live music every night of the week.

He looks like a grown up Eddie Munster after 40 years of hard living. He comes on stage after the bass player and drummer have started, wearing black leather gloves and firing a .38 with blanks in the chamber. He turns away from the crowd to strap on his guitar and the back of his jacket reads “I’m Unknown Hinson!”

He plays guitar like a hurricane with a grudge after 4 or 5 drinks.

The bass player did straightforward, simply stuff. He looked like a lumbering mortician. The drummer matched Hinson well. He looked like a squatter version of Christopher Lloyd in “Back to the Future.”

Rockabilly, Country and Western, Rock. The set featured love songs about blow up doll, a woman who puts a snake in her man’s bathtub, “I Ain’t Afraid of Your Husband,” and a stalker.

The encores included two of my 3 favorite Jimi Hendrix songs: Manic Depression and Voodoo Child (My other favorite Hendrix number is Crosstown Traffic).

The crowd was descent. A motivation spread to get the band to do an encore. Everyone seemed more rambunctious during the encores. One dude’s dancing on the front row could only be described as epileptic tae bo.

If you download any of UH’s songs, don’t be deterred from seeing him live. It is a totally different experience. I’ll admit, as much as I loved his show, his recorded stuff annoys the hell out of me.

The opener, Lonesome Spurs, is a man and woman based in LA. He plays a mean guitar. She does strong, country vocals, plays rhythm guitar (weakly) and provides percussion via a bass drum pedal that strikes an empty suitcase.

The art at the top comes from Christoph Mueller, one of my favorite illustrators.

Unless I'm mistaken, UH will be back in Austin during SXSW. Check his myspace.

Lawn Care

2008-02-02T20:51:00.000-06:00

Who mows the grass in Mexico?

February Playlist - A Circus Where My Head Should Be

2008-02-01T16:44:00.000-06:00

(songs from January)

Page France - Circus Head

Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter

The Bird and the Bee - La La La

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Devil’s Waitin’

Shirley Caesar - Hold My Mule

Rose Stone with the Venice Four - Trouble of This World

The Fratellis - Chelsea Dagger

Link Wray - Red Hot

The Mountain Goats - Cotton

Nina Simone - I Want a Little Sugar in My Bowl

The Wonder Stuff - Swell

The White Stripes - I’m Finding It Hard To Be A Gentleman

The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You

The New Pornographers - Breakin’ The Law

Roger Alan Wade - If You’re Gonna Be Dumb

Explosions in the Sky - Your Hand in Mine

Okkervil River - Unless It’s Kicks

Sports In Context

2008-01-31T14:10:00.000-06:00

Here's why the idea that winning is the most important thing in sports is idiotic:

Sports are for entertainment. If a team wins but is not entertaining to watch, then that team has not served its primary purpose. Fans who prefer winning over entertainment need to find an identity that is not so dependent upon the performance of their team. I am fine if someone is a fan of, say, the San Antonio Spurs and finds their style of play entertaining. I think that a person is a moron if he does not find them entertaining but watches anyway.

Keep Austin

2008-01-30T15:51:00.000-06:00

“Austin: Where even the 30 and 40 year olds are 20 year olds.”

Rock Flyin' Eagle

2008-01-29T13:50:00.000-06:00

And a little more Charlie from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Recent Concerts

2008-01-28T15:56:00.000-06:00

Emo’s, 1/4/08
Lions (outside) - had never heard of them. They were a very pleasant surprise.
Black Joe Lewis (inside) - knew his stuff, went specifically to see him, came away happy
Scrabble Robot (lounge) - punk is not my flavor, but they weren't bad

Lucky Lounge, 1/9/08
Meridian West featuring Mr. Saxophone
- sounds like U2 jr. in a good way

The Parish, 1/18/07
Future Clouds and Radar - I was pretty tired by the time they went on, so I can't give a fair assessment.
The Boxing Lesson
The Breathers
Hollywood Gossip

The Parish, 1/19/07
Brothers and Sisters - I like them OK.
The Strange Attractors - really pleased with these folks. They will be headlining if they keep it up.
The Golden Boys
Ripe

Sorry to the bands with no comment. Eight bands in two nights and 9-10 days since the shows have made it hard to keep everybody distinct in my mind. I'll do better next time. You guys deserve it.

All City Media

2008-01-26T14:35:00.000-06:00

They have excellent posters for excellent movies.

All City Media

An Idea That Will Blow You Away

2008-01-25T21:13:00.000-06:00

I have an idea for a new sit com.

It centers on the misadventures of four, young, hip, quirky, jihadist Muslims who own a mini-mart.

"It's Always Sunni In Philadelphia"

Ebony and Ivory

2008-01-24T13:48:00.000-06:00

When did they start putting white people on the cover of Ebony?

They Blow

2008-01-23T22:05:00.000-06:00

Recently heard in my apartment:

“I just realized that the amount of music I own that has flute solos is scary.”

Into the Wild

2008-01-22T11:47:00.001-06:00

My day was just made.

As I was climbing the stairs to my apartment, I saw a red squirrel out of the corner of my eye at about head level on a tree just to my right. I stopped. The little guy hid on the other side of the tree. He then poked his head out from behind the tree to check me out.

He came out from his hiding place, nut in mouth, and proceeded to stare at me. It was very cute at first. However, I started to get nervous the longer he stared. "What if this squirrel is unhinged and flings himself, claws first, at me from his tree? Do I stay here observing nature or do I retreat to a safer vantage point?" Oh, the dilemmas I face on a daily basis.

I chose to stand close to a support beam, just in case my new buddy decided to scratch my eyes out. He continued staring as he ascended slowly up the tree while making these cool, low-pitched noises.

I am a simple man with simple pleasures: beer, music, comedy, women and watching squirrels at close range.

You Know What They Say About Guys With Small Hands

2008-01-21T13:34:00.000-06:00

TV Shows I Like

2008-01-19T13:15:00.000-06:00

Californication -
Great writing. Duchovny’s character is a total prick and hilarious. His witticisms and insults are very entertaining. More new sex and genitalia slang than I've ever heard in one place.

Weeds -
Hit and miss, but worth 30 minutes a week.

Dexter -
Somehow sort of normalizes a serial killer. Based on books I hain’t read.

Pushing Daisies -
Very quirky. I fear it will grow old like Monk did for me. Great characters, sets, and rapid dialogue.

Deadwood -
Get the DVDs, cocksucker. Unbelievably good dialogue and characters.

The Shield -
I cannot believe they let this stuff on basic cable. I scandalize myself sometimes when I watch this show. Can I tell you how much ass Glenn Close kicks in the fourth season? I'm not sure that I can.

Literary Ambition

2008-01-18T15:27:00.000-06:00

I want to write the not-so-great American novel. But I think it’s already been done.

Ghetto See and Say

2008-01-17T09:21:00.000-06:00

What does the drug addicted rooster say?

Crack-a-doodle-do.

Abstinent Woman Seeks Man

2008-01-16T09:27:00.000-06:00

I replied to a Craigslist personal ad the other day.

I was a little drunk when I read the ad, so I thought that the headline read “Absinthe Woman seeks man.” I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m up for something new. I heard Absinthe makes you hallucinate, and now it’s legal again.”

Needless to say, the response I got was not what I was expecting.

The moral of the story: Don't use big words when writing your Craigslist personal ads.

That's all, folks.

Separated at Birth - It's Football, Mmmm-kaaay

2008-01-15T09:42:00.001-06:00

John Clayton, ESPN NFL Analyst

Mr. Mackey, South Park school guidance counselor

"Mmmm-kaaay?"

The South Austin Diet

2008-01-14T02:34:00.000-06:00

What I’ve been subsisting on for the last week:

1. Sausage Spaghetti

2. Salsa and Chips

3. Screwdrivers

It’s called “eating for success.”

Meat, Pudding, Totalitarianism

2008-01-12T10:11:00.000-06:00

“If you don’t eat your meat, how can you have any pudding? How can you have any pudding, if you don’t eat your meat?”
- schoolmaster from Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall.”

That is the problem with totalitarianism: poor logic.

Why not just say, “You have to eat your meat if you want pudding?” It is bad enough to deprive a child of pudding without compounding the problem with improper logic.

The first question is different from the second, though presented as asking the same thing in a different order.

[this post is bs. I’ve lost the point I was trying to make.]

(/nonsense)

Conan's Pizza

2008-01-11T01:49:00.000-06:00

The roommates and I are kicking around early New Year’s Eve. We decide to hit up Conan’s Pizza for some scrumptious fare before beginning the night in earnest. Anyway, the bastards closed at 9PM on New Year’s Eve. Unacceptable.

For those of you who don’t know, Conan’s Pizza in Austin, TX is quite good. It’s liked being raped in the mouth by a gentle gnome. The decor would make a 70s, gay, comic book geek wet.

I know; I should do restaurant reviews for the Statesman.

Patton Oswalt at Amoeba Music

2008-01-10T10:09:00.000-06:00

or Go watch it!

Can You Take Me Higher?

2008-01-09T13:26:00.000-06:00

So many times since Creed stopped performing I have thought to myself,

"Self, is there any reason to go on living?"

Scott Stapp, I need you in my life like a whore needs a diploma.

Creepy/Sexy

2008-01-08T17:43:00.000-06:00

You Can Dance If You Want To

2008-01-07T15:18:00.000-06:00

I fucking hate when sports announcers criticize players who celebrate a big play by saying, "Act like you've been there before."

I fucking hate it.

I fucking hate it.

Joyless assholes will talk about how people at other jobs do not get to jump up and down, dance and yell when they accomplish something. That is the shittiest logic I have ever heard. Most jobs in the world do not depend upon the participants thriving on adrenalin.

Look at the fans. Do they jump up and down, dance, yell and cheer when the players on their team make a great play? Yes, they do. Have they been there before? Dozens, if not hundreds, of times.

Hey, I'm sorry your life sucks, or your personality keeps you from being jubilant, or your daddy didn't tell you he loved you. I really am. But leave the rest of us, players and fans, alone. If we want to express the pleasure we take in playing and watching the game, we will.

A Pimp Named Slickback

2008-01-05T02:47:00.000-06:00

Watch the whole episode:
Part 1
Part 2

Watch the whole episode.

Predictions for ’08

2008-01-04T08:37:00.000-06:00

1. Someone disappointing will be elected president.

2. Austin will continue to be a great place to live.

3. A celebrity I care nothing about will receive a lot of attention for doing something I care nothing about.

4. Global warming will not be a big deal.

5. A band and/or performer will be hyped because of some novelty, rather than actual talent.

6. There will be a movie or two released that will flirt with my all time favorites list.

7. Major prizes will be awarded to shite: Nobel, Pulitzer, et al.

8. The world will not spin off its axis due to the TV writers’ strike.

I know; I’m a prophet.

January Playlist - I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier

2008-01-03T09:40:00.000-06:00

Rufus Wainwright - Across the Universe
The Killers - All These Things That I’ve Done
Arcade Fire - My Body Is A Cage
Astra Heights - Choices
The Decemberists - Apology Song
Midnight Oil - The Real Thing
Lightnin’ Hopkins - Right On That Shore
Joaquin Phoenix - Get Rhythm
The Fratellis - Flathead
Van Morrison - Jackie Wilson Sid
Bright Eyes - Devil Town (Daniel Johnston Cover)
The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
Dale Watson - Country My Ass
De La Soul - Tread Water
Hill of Beans - Satan, Lend Me A Dollar
Black Joe Lewis - Bitch, I Love You
MIA - Bucky Dun Gun
Cold War Kids - Tell Me In The Morning
The Shins - Sleeping Lessons

New Year's Theme

2008-01-02T01:48:00.000-06:00

Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter
(listen to it while you read)

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will help me this time

And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides

Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you

But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence

But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile

And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter or son
And a real good friend

And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends

And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below

And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-01T00:01:00.000-06:00

1. Talk about myself in the third person more

2. Step on little people

3. Strangle a rabid animal with my bare hands

4. Kill time less constructively

5. Sleep more during daylight hours

6. Befriend a vampire and a dominatrix and see if I can get them into 12-step programs

7. Pick up at least three bad habits so I'll have something to be resolved about next year

8. Shake Unknown Hinson's hand

It's For Pleasure

2007-12-31T09:48:00.000-06:00

For the purposes of this next joke, you should know I have a friend named Sally O’Malley. She’s Irish-Italian-American. Oddly enough, she has neither a drinking nor a facial hair problem.

Sally O'Malley said to me the other day, “Something’s different about you. Wait. Don’t tell me. I’ll guess. You got a haircut? Lost some weight. Got contacts. Grew a beard.”

“No, Sally O’Malley, none of the above guesses are correct.” (and yes, I always call her Sally O’Malley).

“Well, what’s different?”

“I had my taint pierced.”

Scattered, Smothered, Covered, et al

2007-12-29T10:43:00.000-06:00

Is it a coincidence that I share initials with the Waffle House?

My Dream Nite

2007-12-28T02:46:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure it would involve Grey Goose, caffeine, MIA and privacy.

"Is your dad a drug dealer
'Cause you're dope to me?"

Hang the DJ

2007-12-27T10:56:00.000-06:00

Club Djs are bugging me. They should be like waiters. You should not notice them much. They should facilitate your good time. Music for the DJ is like food for the waiter. He should know a lot about it, should be able to point you in the right direction, and then get the heck out of the way while you enjoy.

Too many Djs see themselves as the chefs. Sorry, DJ Pretentious, you are not a musician. When you slow the song down or speed it up, that is not art; it is just annoying. Stop it. Learn the flow of a good 2-3 hour dance time. Don’t stop and start us like a lawnmower. Spin the record, flirt with some girls and watch us dance. If you want to be an artist, learn how to paint.

PS It would also be helpful if you played danceable music.

A Revelation

2007-12-26T22:19:00.000-06:00

Hangovers are sexy.

Hit The High Note

2007-12-24T22:41:00.000-06:00

I saw a lot of Broadway musicals when I was a kid.

They were fabulous.

That’s why I’m so fabulous.

Babes in Toyland.

Oh yeah.

Donations Accepted

2007-12-22T22:09:00.000-06:00

My name is Wes Hawk, and I approved this message.

He's Gonna Get Hisself Killed

2007-12-21T18:02:00.000-06:00

My friend’s wife had told me that Sophie still had the body of a 20-year-old. Maybe she did . . . dismembered in her freezer at home. She certainly didn’t have it on her skeleton … It’s not entirely Sophie’s fault, I suppose. My friend’s wife didn’t manage my expectations. Maybe it would have been better if she had said: “Tad, you enjoyed The Lord of the Rings. Would you like to meet an orc?” … American women take themselves too seriously and are annoyingly confrontational. The good news for men, by the way, is they are convinced that the best way to prove they are equal to a man is by sleeping with him. Um . . . Go ahead, that’ll teach me. And they won’t even ruin your night’s sleep by staying over as their personal trainer is coming to their place at 6.30 the next morning.
- Tad Safran

Ya Dirty Tree Huggers

2007-12-20T14:05:00.000-06:00

I really like squirrels. Always have. I know they’re just woodsy rats with bushy tails but I dig my nutty friends.

My mom half-tamed one when I was a kid. It would eat out of her hand. My sister tried that little trick one time and the squirrel had the good sense to bite her.

Fans

2007-12-19T10:29:00.000-06:00

If you're the kind of fan that has followed a team for a number of years, don't be ashamed to say things like, "We lost Friday night" or "We really played well at the beginning of the season."

Some people take issue with using the collective "we" to include the fans. Poo on them.

If you have invested your time and money on a particular team, be it pro, college or even high school, you have my permission to us the first person plural when referring to them. You have likely invested more time and energy (even if its mental and not physical) in the team than any of the current players or coaches (and they don't have a problem using the first person plural).

Otherwise, it will be totally illegitimate to sing "We Will Rock You" at sporting events. All symbiosis between player and fan will be flushed down the toilet by know-it-all sports writers whose job it is to suck all the joy out of the sports we love.

Selah.

Go Go, You Crazy Brits

2007-12-18T10:04:00.000-06:00

Arse and Shite are so much better than ass and shit.

(I capitalized the Brit curses to emphasize that point.

Actually, I’m lying; I did it by accident.

Or maybe I’m so smart that my brain was ahead of me.

Or maybe I'm just an arse who's full of shite.)

The Walkmen and Zykos

2007-12-17T09:27:00.000-06:00

Emo’s
Saturday, 12/16/07
The Walkmen (NYC)
Zykos (Austin)

Zykos has a female keyboard player. Indiekid postulated that she was the girlfriend of the lead singer and the Yoko Ono of the band. We kept coming up with details to fill in the myth.

The bassist and second guitar player stood way on the opposite side of the stage from her. Obviously, they were communicating something with that body language. “We will not stand on the same side of the stage as your girlfriend, asshole.”

The lead singer/guitarist was really obnoxious to the drummer. He feinted like he was going to hit the drummer in the face with his guitar. He kept kicking his high hat. I used to do that kind of shit when I was a kid. A longsuffering, fellow eighth grader finally belted me after I spent an entire shop class flicking his ear. I got the message. The lead singer of Zykos never received such a grace.

Whenever the girlfriend was featured playing keyboard or singing solo, the other musicians would stop playing, but not in a “Hey, we want y’all to really notice our swell keyboardist and her wicked pipes” kind of way. It was more like, “We don’t want her up here. We’re not going along with this.” They just sort of looked at her disdainfully.

One weird note of trivia: she looked a lot like the wife of my favorite prof in grad school.

I bet the other three band members told the singer that they were not going to give his girlfriend 1/5 of their profits. “If you want to split your 1/4 with her that’s fine, man. She ain’t gettin’ an equal share.”

The bassist seemed to spend more time drinking beer than playing bass. He should be an operator, ‘cause he was phoning it in, Oh!

By the end of the show the second guitarist was so far to one end of the stage and behind a pole, it was like he was playing from the parking lot. “If I didn’t have to make rent this month, I would be so over this shit, man.”

The Walkmen had some good upbeat stuff. Their slower stuff was somewhat mesmeric, but not in a great way. I liked their black and white color scheme for instruments and dress. The singer has a good yelling voice.

That, my friends, is how you write a concert review.

Because Of Tangerine Dream And Creamcicles

2007-12-15T15:00:00.000-06:00

I came up with porn names for myself, the roommates, another guy and his girlfriend.

Johnny Longpole
Frankie Firecrotch
Thad Thunderjunk
Wally Chubman
Evelyn Eveready

Contact me if you need a porn name. Obviously, I've got skills to pay the bills.

*Note* I hold a vehement moral disapprobation of pornography. However, I do enjoy the occasional dirty joke.

Thank You For Being A Friend

2007-12-14T00:02:00.000-06:00

Skol Vodka, you are now a friend of mine.

Lone Star Beer has been a pal and confidante, loyal and true. I will not forget you anytime soon, LSB, especially in your 16 oz. aluminum iteration.

Skol, let me say that I welcome you with open lips. We have had two earth-shaking one-nite-stands at present, one involving a roommate running around the apartment naked with only an electric guitar, the other featuring numerous women at Midnight Rodeo shaking their respective moneymakers. Skol, I will be overjoyed if our little trist turns into a committed relationship. Your buzz is a quality buzz. I might be getting Skoliosis.

Skol vodka, welcome to the fold. B-axe, Indiekid and I greet your arrival with gladness.

Call Me Sam the Butcher

2007-12-13T13:42:00.000-06:00

I was grocery shopping last night. As I was deciding on what ground beef to purchase, a young, attractive woman turned to me and queried,

"Do you know a lot about meat?"

Uh. Um. Uh.

"What is it that you're wondering about?"

Blah, blah, blah.

Coming away from the whole experience I was giving thanks to God that there is still a woman so unsullied by out sexualized culture that she could innocently and without guile ask a man, previously a complete stranger to her, whether or not he knew a lot about meat.

Young lady, whomever you are, the Lord bless you for your non-worldliwiseness.

Selah.

An Improper, Proper Introduction

2007-12-12T18:56:00.000-06:00

I’m using this blog as my whiny board sometimes. When I’m trying to write and get bored or stuck, I might wander over here so I can shoot off at the mouth about whatever. This space will probably be filled with a bunch of self-reflexive bullshit. If it entertains you, great. If not, I’m sure you can find something that tickles your g-spot somewhere else on the interweb.

December Playlist - Faced With The Dodo's Conundrum

2007-12-11T19:23:00.000-06:00

**
I compiled my favorite songs from November and offer them to you now as your December Playlist:

Nina Simone - Sinnerman
Beck - Sexx Laws
Lucinda Williams - Can't Let Go
Ray LaMontagne - Water From The Well
The Shins - Australia
Drive By Truckers - Daddy's Cup
Page France - Chariot
The Stranglers - Golden Brown

More Rosy Thoughts

2007-12-10T12:29:00.000-06:00

I wish I was 7 years younger. 27 has to be just about the perfect age. You’ve gotten to the age where you can date girls 5 years younger than you, and they are out of college. Your looks are probably as good as they’re going to get. You’re old enough to have earned some scratch, unless, like me, you fucked around after college doing misguided principle shit.

And The Colored Girls Go, "Tell Us Something We Don't Know"

2007-12-09T09:53:00.000-06:00

I am a cliché.

I know it.

Let’s move on.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho ...

2007-12-08T21:50:00.000-06:00

I need a fucking job.